There only was one choice

Monday, June 30, 2003

PARADISE CITY

More and more I hear the west coast calling for me, sure I love Boston, and my eye doctor and many fiends are here, but I need to spread my wings a bit, go to a new place, take new chances and dream new dreams, and feel finally free of a lot of the mistakes I've made, not running from them persay but more so allowing myself to move on, I would give anything to just stay when I go next week, but that's not likely, not without a job.

On said job front I still have heard nothing about the grant-writing job, over a week now and I don't know how to feel about this, and I also know there is nothing I can do, though at some point this week I have to email them and let them know I will be out of the state next Thursday for several days, and I am worried that could cost me the job. I do have a few interviews for other things set up, including teaching SAT courses, part time, not ideal and it doesn't start till September but it's pretty much a lock so maybe.

Did a lot of thing this weekend, sat around and watched the Sox, wow is all I can say about that offensive display, and I have a friend who is convinced that Gabe Kapler is the great Jewish hope for the Red Sox, hey, if it brings a ring I'll take any hope we can get.

Had coffee yesterday with a long time friend, it was good to see him though I wonder to an extent if I did myself any favors. There have been a lot of times where his actions were actually quite hurtful including a long stretch up until this week and we didn't discuss that at all. I am all about forgiving and forgetting but it would have been nice to get some explanation or an apology, in the end I suppose I am glad that we are acquainted again.

I've just agreed to go to Maine for the 4th, wow am I a glutton for punishment, maybe I just know if I don't I'll end up sitting in my apartment alone, or maybe I want to feel like I did for so many years going up to our family friend's camp on the fourth and spending the day on the lake with our own private fireworks display.

On a less pleasant topic, a fond farewell to Katherine Hepburn and to Gregory Peck, wonderful actors both.

Is it wrong that a political junkie like me is on some level looking forward to Legally Blonde 2?

I realized today some one could write an amazing sociological dissertation by spending one full day riding around Boston on the T, maybe that's what "Charlie" was doing on the MTA (if you don't get the reference then you don't know the Kingston Trio)

posted by Adam Monday, June 30, 2003

Friday, June 27, 2003

IT'S GETTIN' HOT IN HERE

First off, still no job info.

Roommates really getting on my nerves lately, that's probably partially due to me not having left this place much and the oppressive heat and humidity, we don't even have a fan in this apartment.

Spent last night hanging out downtown at some local yuppie bars because an old friend from overnight camp is in town, those kind of bars are very much not my style but Eric wanted to check them out so we did. Met a few nice women, and did mange one number who knows. I really have no plans for the next two weeks till I head out West, boredom is not fun.

posted by Adam Friday, June 27, 2003

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

UNDER PRESSURE

Had a major eye scare last night, I couldn't even see the computer screen, it is much better now but I was really terrified for a good few hours there. Of all times for this to be happening you knowknow? It could very well be the stress from lack of money and job and the stress about the impending trip that often raises my blood pressure and causes eye issues beyond that I'm just so bored I feel all bottled up, which can't be helping either.

So, you wanna know about the job eh, so do I. I did email just asking about the status of things, got a reply saying it's in the he hands of the CEO now, I hope that if I wasn't being considered she would have just told me that, this is really frustrating, I don't blame anyone but it is really torturing me.

This weather is not my cup of tea, the heat and humidity, I've never been a summer guy, largely due probably to my Maine roots but I'll live with a lot of cold showers. Though I do have a rant about Boston. When I was growing up every neighborhood in Portland had it's own little family owned homemade ice cream stand, now I'm not taking decades ago, but those places are all still up there. Boston the closet thing we get to that kind of homemade outside stand feeling is J.P. Licks, which admittedly is good ice cream but it's not like being a kid at all and it is part of being a kid for me at least, maybe Herrels qualifies to an extent too but again an outdoor stand with a line wrapping around the stand and being able to see them making that homemade ice cream, that's ice cream and summer to me,.

I guess now that I got this email I can go out and get a haircut and do some stuff at the bank but still I mean, I want to know one way or another I want to know about this job, desperately,.

posted by Adam Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK

Ok so I am officially being driven nuts. I can't leave my apartment out of fear I'll miss the calla bout the job, so I've been listening to music non-stop with both my cell and the phone at my side at all times, and of course every time one of them rings I am hugely disappointed when it's not about the job. i am not sure if this is a good sign or a bad one, I guess it means they have a tough choice to make, or maybe they are notifying all those that didn't get the job first, and then the new employee whichw would be good, or vise versa which would be bad, can you tell I am over thinking this or what? I've had nothing else on my mind all day just listening to music which is keeping me, to an extent sane, though the humidity is definitely not helping. So bored, and to top it all off today my eye is seeing things poorly, not a huge reason for concern, it just does this from time to time but it's annoying none the less.

This time in essentially solitude has given me more time to think about my relationship with the Big Man Upstairs. I know that culturally I will always be Jewish, it's a massive part of my personal identity but I really think more and more that my spirituality is my own, it's not any particular religion at all, though I definitely believe in G-d (note that not writing the name is a Jewishy habit)I just talk a lot, praying for stuff, prayers of thanks but it's really just me having a pretty one sided and introspective conversation with the Almighty. I don't know if the Jews have it right, the Christians do the Hindus' Buddhists or Muslims, but I like to think of it all as more of a shmorgusbord where we all have some piece of right, and as long as you have faith G-d is loving enough to not judge you for not having it right but rather grateful that you believe no matter what it is you believe, after all we are humans, we are supposed to get it wrong. I am happier though since I've started these daily talks with G-d, it's when He/She talks back that I'll start to worry.

posted by Adam Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Monday, June 23, 2003

BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES.

No news yet about the job, but I needed to post none the less. I had a long talk with Allison last night. I know she doesn't read this, and I know I've emailed her basically how I feel before but I need to look in her eyes and tell her, maybe that's selfish of me because she doesn't' feel that way, or maybe I am naive enough to hope that pouring out my heart will change how she feels. She is the smile on my face, the light behind my eyes, the song in my heart and she is the love in my life. When we talk time stops, nothing matters but hearing her sweet voice and what's going on in her life. I love her, more than I ever thought possible. I would walk through fire for her, I'd die for her, you know perform the old Sidney Carton if I had to. Thinking about her now I smile, I always do, I know the best thing would be for me to get over it but how can you get over something that in your heart of your hearts, in the he deepest parts of who you are, you know is right. I am in love with her and even though she may never love me I honestly think I am ok with that because above all else I want her to be happy, my heart would be sadder if she were not. I want so much to hold her in my arms and have her hold me back and I believe G-d will make it happen if it is supposed to I just hope He does so soon because I am so full of love for her it's crazy, how is it fair to myself, or any other girl I may have an interest in when I so love Allison, she will always be beautiful in my eyes.

It's sunny, I think I may go and relax on the Common for a bit

Had a bit of a health scare last night around 5AM thought I was having a heart attack kinda making me think I need to shape up health wise, however I didn't have a heart attack but the fact that I thought that was possible, that in and of itself speaks volumes about what I need to do for my health and probably for my own happiness too.

posted by Adam Monday, June 23, 2003

Sunday, June 22, 2003

SINGING IN THE RAIN

pretty subdued weekend, done a lot of movie watching and cooking. Yesterday thought I did venture out for a bit prior to the heavens pouring forth more rain, much as they are right now. One this little voyage into the world I was in Coolidge Corner, one of my favorite places in the city, I happened to meet Rosina, beautiful name and a really sweet girl, dinner on Tuesday, would paying in coupons be bad?

I guess at some point in the next 15-40 hours I will know if I am employed or not, G-d I hope so, I've been praying very hard over this one, I'd appreciate your prayers too.

Wow, the Sox just keep finding ways to loose, today it was for the best offense in baseball to get a grand total of three hits, pretty damn sad.

It's unfortunate that the Capitol Steps plans fell through, such is life.

Two weeks till I fly far far away, I am really looking forward to it, I want to spend a good bit of that trip looking at schools, doing job interviews, if this one doesn't' happen, but more than anything I want to put in lots of hours on the Amiano for mayor campaign in SF. Oh and that whole wedding thing which I am very much looking forward to.

I don't mind the rain but even I will admit this a bit much.

posted by Adam Sunday, June 22, 2003

Saturday, June 21, 2003

I SAW THE SIGN.

I've come to the conclusion that since I can not seem to figure out how to ad a title to my page I will start each entry with a song, as this is after all the song of a dreamer you read each day. NO I am not an Ace of Base fan but the song fits today.

Fairly non-eventful day though I had a very nice chat with one of my roommates friends this morning, spent a large part of the day reflection, something I've been doing a lot more of as of late. I realized that through he haze of a two year depression, ok maybe that's unfair, maybe the right way to describe it is just, general pessimism/sadness I've been focusing on what I haven't done, don't have, rather than what I have done and what I do have. I think my problems are many and the solution to all of them may not be obvious or simple but they will, in the end, solve. Loosing Lance may have been when it all began, I know that sounds crazy, loosing a dog shouldn't be that big a deal, but he was my best friend, and I had begged G-d to spare him when he got sick, falling to my knees in the shower, praying with all I had to make Lance ok, I was unemployed for six months after graduation, I had lost my grandmother in May of that previous year and I needed my best friend to stick around, 2 hours later G-d took him fro me. The anger and hatred I felt that day still scares me to make a long story longer, I needed to come to terms with the fact that I may have not gotten everything I wanted in life as of yet but A. That's for some cosmic reason I don't/and am not supposed to, understand and B. That I have done far more than many people, including myself, ever thought I could. All those posts about me having accomplished nothing in 24 years on my old blog, those were crap, have I worked my ass off as hard as I cold, to be fair no, but I have gotten where I am under my own steam and despite a mountain that often seemed to challenging to climb. I need to embrace what I have, and strive for more always but not be bitter that the struggle goes on, it is that struggle that makes it all so sweet when you reach what it is you strive for. a job eludes me, it can't be an endless journey, some day, hopefully soon, I will find someone who thinks I am worthy of employment. romantic love seems forever out of my grasp, someday that too will change and when it does it will be right and I will have what I have so longed for .

What got me reflecting on a lot of this was a talk I had with a good friend tonight,. When I first heard from a third party that he was now a rather devout Christian I was skeptical and confused. When I had the chance to talk with him tonight though it was truly wonderful to see how happy he was. He has always been a great friend and a wonderful person but he seems so happy now and this transformation has happened without him becoming preachy or trying to convert the heathens which I truly respect and admire, I really think that despite my continuing faith in Judaism this is going to bring my friend and I much closer which is really great. Another friend I saw tonight has changed in a very different way. He was always thought to very liberal, and while I am not going to say he is now not so, I will say that his views on several issues make me think he as moderated to quite an extent I suppose that should disappoint me, and in a way perhaps it does but I am not judging his views only surprised that he holds them and curious as to why, given his situation in life, that is the case. I suppose with time we all change, clearly, but two such changes were perhaps never more clearly illustrated to me as these two good friends tonight.

On a far less pleasant note, I owe someone an apology. I don't know if you read this blog anymore but guilt tripping you about something you had no intention of doing is not fair and I am sorry for it. I've said this to you already and you've accepted it but I wanted to say it again here. You are a good friend, and while I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by the he situation, not by you but by the situation at large, I value that friendship and am, on some level genuinely happy for you because I know that if you chose this guy he's gotta be a pretty good guy and you should know that though it may hurt me to hear about it sometimes I don't want you ever to feel like you have to not share things with me, you are important to me and I will get over my own self enough to be a friend, to listen to what is going on in your life no matter what it is.

old roomie, the convict and the cat are all gone for the weekend, think it would be wrong to change the locks?

posted by Adam Saturday, June 21, 2003

Friday, June 20, 2003

Ow, now both of my feet seem to be having problems with being at the very least mildly painful, much as my eyes have been lately, if it were possible for a man my size to touch foot to eye perhaps I could find some correlation, however since that is not exactly doable for me, I am going to assume there is no inherent connection.

Wore a great new outfit today black dress pants and a deep gray dress shirt, wow did I look good aside from the layers of blubber which extend beyond my waist, though apparently I looked good enough to get another number on the T, I'll be calling ya Cara ;) *PS. I'm sure that won't go anywhere either, I mean hell if she is picking up a putz like me on the T she's fairly easy to impress

So, really funny story that kind of makes you think. I go into CVS to exchange a deodorant that was not functional, one I bought yesterday, they guy, as he should have, asked for my receipt, which I had lost, I told him this, his reply: "that's ok, blind people don't lie" couple this with how at security points they usually let me walk right through with my cane, including post 9/11, and I am left to wonder if people with bad intentions could just get a hold of a cane, how much damage could they do? Fraud, terrorism, there are so many possibilities, hmm, I am broke, kidding kidding

Anyone ever use this Craigslist thing? it's great, however tonight there was a shindig down town to which I ventured, can you say disaster, not only was it only like four guys, the one who organized it was the most pompous ass I've ever met, and I know Silverman

Bulger before Congress today, a panel by the way with four members of the Mass. Delegation, all of whom served in the state Senate under Billy, seems like no conflict there. Anyway so he proved himself to be a marvelous dancer like most politicos, do I think he knows where Whitey is, probably not, but he knows more than he will admit he knows too. On that subject though, are people really surprised that the FBI is corrupt when it comes to looking out for Mob guys who they grew up with. Seems to me like having he FBI branch I Boston populated with guys from Southie, investigating guys in the mob from Southie, is a poor idea,. I would suggest that the first change should be, you want to be in the FBI, fine, wonderful glad to have you, you will NOT be workin in the city you few up in, makes too much sense though, hence it will never happen.

Going to go see the Capitol Steps this weekend, the political satire show, should be a blast, going with two very cute female friends of mine, stunningly both have gained boyfriends since meeting me, wow, shocking eh?

Talked to a few people tonight from back home, it was really nice to speak with both of them as it's been too long, but they are still living in Portland, they hate it, and they have the ability to go places via their own cars, If I don't land a job soon and have to move back there in September it is not only my mother that will drive my loco, but even more so the oppressive inability for me to go anywhere of my own choosing. I may not have a car or a bike in Boston but I have the T which means I have some degree of freedom/independence, if I move to Portland and am essentially chained to my house by the lack of public transit, I am truly scared for my emotional state. I really wish you all understood how limiting it is to not have the independence of a vehicle and besides it takes away my need as a male to be able to drive a huge phalic extension.

Strange thoughts today from a strange guy, I suppose that would make today's song one of the tripped out ones, possibly Doors or the Dead.

posted by Adam Friday, June 20, 2003

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Painfully boring week yet again, though the bonus is that I've been A. saving money. and B. doing quite a bit of cooking which as you know I love to do so it's not all bad.

I've decided no more complaining about the weather, not that I do it much anyway, but I mean good lord people, yes it's raining, thanks for pointing out the obvious and beyond that, it's note like there is a damn thing you, or anyone else can do about it, why stress out about something that is beyond anyone's control. Live life based on other things than weather, if rain is an excuse to be depressed you've got a lot more going on than bad weather. Would it be nice if it was sunny and 70 all the time, sure but we choose to live here STOP WHINING it does no good and just ads to stress.

I am SICK of telling woman that I am interested in how happy I am for them that they've found some guy who makes them swoon, this is different from my rant of the last post. This is about my reaction to that first notice of "hey, you aren't good enough for me but this random schmuck I met, yeah he's the best guy in the he world and came out of nowhere" SHUT UP I don't want to happy for you anymore, I want MY turn at being happy and each and everytime that happens to me I am more and more sure G-d intends me to be completely asexual being for time in memoriam. I am deserving of love, and I am good enough, if you can't see it, fuck all ya'll

(note, that particular rant is not directed at anyone person but I've been burned far more than I care to admit and yeah, I push hard and fast for exactly that reason, can you freaking blame me, they always find someone better)

Had a phone interview about a job last night, sounds really interesting, though clearly I'd take the one I've interviewed twice for if offered next week, I've been begging G-d all week about that one and won't stop, I need it for a whole host of reasons, financial, emotional, pure and total boredom.

Off to, oh, wait, off to do nothing, as per usual

posted by Adam Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Monday, June 16, 2003

That's all it, it's all over, I did all I could do, really enjoyed meeting those people at the organization and now it's out of my hands. I should know within a week or so. The interview went really well I think, we'll see.

Em called again today, I can't figure the girl out

On that subject I just have to say, I so fed up with being "that guy" you know the one I mean,t he guy that every girl has on speed dial, just below their current love interest, the guy they call to bitch about lover boy. I don't mind in any way shape or form being their for friends, it means a lot to me that they respect me that much, but along the same vain it is really hellish to know none of them ever have, or probably ever will, see me as anything other than a big ole teddybear/shoulder to learn on. I know for a fact I am "that guy" for at least six women, it really does suck nine kinds of ass. I'd love to be the guy at the top of that speed dial just once.

There's so much plan to do just as soon as I can get a job i.e. find a new apartment, invest in some clothes, perhaps a new computer, and by the by, if I get this job I interviewed today I would really be fine, it pays far better than I had expected.

Hey Roger, SHUT UP wear whatever hat the Hall of Fame tells you to o wear and say "Thank you for this honor" you claim to be man so start being one and stop being a whiny bitch.

well ok, so it's June the 16th, and I have nothing whatsoever planned between now and when I leave for the Bay, though mom wants me to come home for the 4th, how many different ways are there to say, not a snowballs chance in hell.

posted by Adam Monday, June 16, 2003

quite the weekend, had a great ride back to Maine with dad and his buddy from work, we actually took the new tunnel and Zakim bridge to get home on 93 ok so the big dig isn't nearly done, but if the rest of it is a nice and un-congested as that part during rush hour on a Friday afternoon, they are doing something right.

Saturday was fabulous, Catholic wedding was interesting, I wasn't sure at first if I was supposed to do the communion thing, I nudged the person next to me, I wasn't, which is good cause that would have been awkward. Tom's wife is a real nice girl I had never met her in the six years they'd been dating, I'd seen him many times but just never got the chance to meet Megan, I have no doubt they are going to be very happy. I t was so great to see his family, Tom as been my bestfriend, since I was four, we never went to school together after sixth grade and yet have been able to keep up that close friendship, that is really special and rare and I am very glad about it, it's funny because we are too very, very different people but have always been very close, I still remember all the he Christmas trees we decorated together at his place and his whole family has always been so nice to me. Seeing his Mom and sister and her two kids, one of whom was born on the day Tom graduated from high school and as such I'd never met, was really great. His brothers have always been like big brothers to me which was nice being the oldest in my family to have the Bernier boys on your side growing up was never a bad thing, they are all doing well too, the oldest is married to a really nice lady, Pat is a confirmed bachelor, and Andy is engaged to a wonderful person as well so it's great. It was just a lot of fun from the he ceremony which was beautiful, to the reception to the after party which was highlighted by the stellar kareoke going on a good time was had by all.

Mom managed to spoil the weekend as per usual, because clearly I am unaware that I am unemployed, and broke, this is something she feels she needs to mention over and over and over and well you get the point, keeping my cool in those situation is incredibly hard, but I just kept reminding myself I was heading home in two hours. Honestly if I don't land a job soon and end up having to move back in September, I am concerned about what sort of emotional catastrophe may result from that because if she doesn't drive me to homicide I just may end up in a padded room from having a breakdown, I have no clue how dad lasted 29 years.

I need to find my best psych up music and blast it tomorrow before I head off to the interview because I have to give the performance of my life, I need this, desperately, I can taste employment I guess I find out tomorrow if it's a bitter pill or the sweet sweet nectar of success.

posted by Adam Monday, June 16, 2003

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Sorry for the long delay, and the last post that from I've now been told freaked a few of you out. I still feel hurt by the situation but I also know that she's happy and didn't get in a relationship to hurt me. I know she'd be happier with me, there is not a shred of doubt in my mind about that but I know she's smiling, and that's really all I want for her it sucks I am not the person making her happy but that's life, I can sit and whine and feel sorry or I can dust off the hurt, be her friend, and live my own life for myself, I've gotta say, the latter just sounds like a more enjoyable option.

I know I've been away for a few days,the he irony is I've been right here, just haven't had anything to say, and haven't done anything worthy of reporting on, it's been a very dull week since bailing on the convention Friday night. Tomorrow brings a weekend in Maine, for both the wedding and Fathers' day, this one has some special significance since it will probably be the last one dad spends in Maine, or at least I hope it is. I know he'd be leaving a lot of friends and family behind but he's been talking about AZ for years now and I really think he deserves and for that matter needs a chance like that, it'd be good for him and maybe force mom to sell the house, which would also not be a bad thing.

I have a second interview on monday, if after that, and the letter from Bob I still can't get this job, then I probably never will but I am feeling good about the likelihood of employment prior to July.

On that subject, stay away from Hotwire, Orbitz or any of those, they re real bitches about changing flight dates

I stepped on a small nail today, this didn't feel good, I got it out quickly though so probably no big deal and I don't plan to go to the hospital for it until he tetanus symptoms set in, then I'll panic

I'm being a royal pain tot he Brandeis development office trying to get them moving on the he Hoffman deal

Yesterday I did something that I am very proud of actually. As some of you know I've been on interviews in the last few months and on several occasions they've been asking about my disability and how that will affect my ability to do the job, now gut response is "I wouldn't be here if I didn't think I could do the job" but instead I've been very appeasing about their obvious concerns about my ability. I have not said anything regarding the fact that for them to even ask those questions is illegal let alone take them into consideration when deciding on employment. Yesterday I sat at my computer and wrote emails to the two people who I felt were most egregious in their questions and very politely explained that not only were they out of line but were they to encounter someone with more guts than I they could be facing a lawsuit. As I said, I was very polite and just explained that I felt very uncomfortable by the whole situation. Of course this did include the state rep. who I felt had wronged me in March. As I had pretty much expected I got emails from both within a few hours which basically just defended their actions, keep in mind I had said I wasn't attributing any maliciousness to them nor was I angry I just wanted to make them aware, I also was quite clear that I was not asking, and quite frankly didn't want to know, if my sight had played a part in their choices. The notes were both very cordial but also made clear that they weren't discriminating and neither seemed to understand that simply by inquiring about my disability the had crossed a line ah well, I feel much better about he situation at least.

Ok, that's all for now, if I don't post again till Monday it's just because I've been in Maine, you know, Luddite land, please think good thoughts Monday at 1pm eastern standard time, JOB OR BUST!

posted by Adam Thursday, June 12, 2003

Monday, June 09, 2003

Wow did that suck. The person I love, the girl that means more to me than anything in this world just called me, it's been a long while since we have talked, she was very tired and started rambling about her new beau, her g-d damned physics tutor from college, Ali knows how I feel, I've told her, I know she doesn't' feel that way but she swore up and down she wasn't looking for any sort of relationship right now, and then I, as the loveable teddybear bestfriend have to listen as she drones about how great this guy is, I'm dying inside but I have to be happy for her, I want to be happy for her, I want to be with her. She means everything to me, I would die for Allison and she knows it, I would move heaven and hell, she makes me smile, she makes me a better person she is anything and everything I could ever dream of in a partner in life, I've been hurt by many women, and maybe we will end up together in time, but I think I need to give up this delusion before it tears me apart inside, because right now I feel like completely worthless shit and it hurts so much, why can't I be the guy she's blabbering on about, why can't my life be a shitty romance movie, and have a happy ending, she is and was my heart and soul, what's left then?

posted by Adam Monday, June 09, 2003

Sunday, June 08, 2003

To those who check this thing daily I apologize for not having updated yesterday, there is a reason for that though, there has been nothing to report since getting home Friday night.I am completely broke i.e. post paying for groceries, phone bills and a wedding gift I've got #25 in my bank account with no real way of replenishment that is unless this job comes through G-d-d if you read this, hook a zimmy will you please. I haven't left the apartment or showered for that matter, ok that's kinda gross but you know, no reason to I suppose.

Jakes friend from Cali has been here the last few days, he is the quintessence of a California surfer bo with a mild intellect a nice guy who feels the part scene is the only scene.

Watching the Clinton interview with Baba Wahwah, it's an interesting interview but I will say, she's a strong woman, and those cynics who says she's only married to Bill for political reason and it's always been that way, that's BS, I think that they honestly love each other and he's a sexual hounddog but she's right you either find it in your heart to forgive or you don't she did and she loved the guy good for her.

I also have to say, I've gotten into a lot of friendships lately with people who just don't return phone calls, and it's not just one person, it's several and it's annoying. I call people, I'm a phone person for some fairly clear reasons I would think, but how hard is it for friends to pick up a phone and say, I'm sorry, I am really busy I'll call you soon, that'd be ok with me, but when people just don't put in the effort A. it says a lot about the friendship and B. even if it is not true it makes you feel like they are more important to you then you are to them, and that sucks.

That's really all that is new, we'll see if this week brings anything interest since right now there is nothing planned till the wedding in Maine, and after that, nothing until the next wedding in July, which by the way, I am coming to guys, :) I'll email ya, don't worry.

Addendum: My oh my, I am severely annoyed. She's a good friend but I made it clear that I wanted her to come up to Maine with me, didn't want to go up to a wedding alone I asked her a few weeks ago, now she tells me she is going to Newport next weekend, I think to hang out with a guy that she met when I was with her, well, ok I know that in fact she's been going there a lot of weekends lately, it's just a playground for spoiled 20 and 30 somethigns in the summer, that must be nice I am really pretty upset, no idea if she reads this thing on not, if she does I'm sure I'll hear about it, I know I didn't feel any sparks maybe if I were republican or rich or whatever it would be different, anyway, I'm done.

Lastly I am watching the Tony awards now MY G-D I LOVE THE THEATRE. First off it impresses me so much more to see a great Broadway show then it does to see a great movie or TV show think about it, I mean they get take after take, and sure people get rehearsals in the theatre they are live, no second chances and it's pretty amazing the signing, the dancing, and the brilliant adaptations the past few years. It's pretty astounding that I love theatre this much and yet ended up straight, not that my sexual orientation matters much, women don't seem to notice :) ok that really should be a frown with respect to that area of my life, but I'm by in large happy, I think

posted by Adam Sunday, June 08, 2003

Saturday, June 07, 2003

So much for the convention. I went to Lowell, it was boring as a funeral and a lot more sleazy. I looked my two friends, they looked at me, we said, let's go home and home we are.

Nothing really planned between now and next weekend, still don't know if Emily is coming up to Maine for the wedding, and I really can't afford to get Tom a gift but I have to.

You know you are in a car with a bunch of Jews when you pass by a dentist chain called "Gentle Dental" and someone in the car goes "gentile dental?" that's weird, as I said, you know your Jewish when...........

Just ordered some groceries, my card may bounce,(it's a debit card, I still can't get a credit one)

Things seem to be looking up, we shall see, I am probably jinxing it by saying so out loud but I feel like come July first I will have a job, of course that's just in time for a ten day cross country junket for which I will probably loose said job and can't get the tickets refunded but we shall see what happens.

posted by Adam Saturday, June 07, 2003

Friday, June 06, 2003

What a wonderful day. First off I slept till noon, this was wonderful. I then went out to sweet Fenway Park. There was a fundraiser for a local charity, (ironically the same one I am trying to have employ me) and a close friend's law firm was playing a softball game so he invited a few of his friends to come along. It was awesome, I have been to Fenway several times but never stood on the field, touched a foul pole, sat atop the green monster or watched a game from the first row. We took a tour of the park and sat in the press box, saw the Sox hall of fame and I called my dad while I was sitting in the he new Monster seats, I told him I was sitting on top of the Green Monster his reply "is that what you guys call your toilet?" no dad, I'm at Fenway :) After the games we went out for a bite, it was truly great to sit back and talk with three people who were a huge part of my college life and who I know will be lifelong friends, they are not only great people who I care about very much, but they are also brilliant and it just reminded me that the intellectual level I am able to be a part of is truly rare and something I should cherish. There was another fellow there, a guy from the Reich campaign who was a fellow Deis grad. I've often had my doubts about him for several reasons and though he can be zany and a bit over the top he's also a pretty good guy, certainly motivated by right things, But all in all it was a really great night and I look forward to spending more time with those guys in the future.

So I emailed Bob today and asked if he would be willing to write a note to the person I was interviewing with for a particular job. He is one of the most genuine and honest people I know, he not only emailed her but if he believes even half of the things he said in the letter he BCC'ed to me than I am truly honored and humbled. To have a person that I respect that much, say some of the really wonderful things he said about me was astounding. Wow is really call I can say

A friend emailed me about another job in the Boston area today, a job I'd be good for and have several great in roads to. I know the guy leaving the job, I know the President of the non-profit and I have about a two week heads up from now till when the job is posted, so that's pretty good. We'll see if that materializes into anything.

The state Deems won't give me a fee waiver so I guess I am going to go to the convention anyway via a guest pass, it should be interesting, or completely dull and boring, but either way it will probably mean I won't be updating till some time Saturday, see you then.

posted by Adam Friday, June 06, 2003

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

if my roommates watch one more unrealistic, over dramatized, and all too happy damn chick flick it's going to drive me nuts. The whole premise of these movies just offends me, it never turns out all candy and roses, it usually turns out much worse in anger and bitterness or just sadness, this is not a comment on my mood as I am actually feeling pretty happy on the he whole, but it is a comment on why Hollywood has less relevance in my life every day, and is grounded in almost no reality, comedies thrive on not being realistic romance cheesy as shit chick flicks claim to be realistic when in reality are the polar opposite.

It seems I am very much in the running for a job in SF doing advocacy for people with disabilities, I am not at all sure I want to be boxed into working with fellow disabled folks but it's a great opportunity, I'd be good at the job, and I am going to keep my fingers crossed about it, plus it's a good reason to relocate.

really low on funds right now, need to buy groceries but not being able to afford to buy them since I don't have a credit card right now is very bad. I am not asking for much, really, a job that allows me to pay rent and eat, maybe a little left over to save, or spend on personal entertainment you'd think a piece of paper from Brandeis would make that possible, wouldn't you?

Other than that very light day, the next few days though should be fun, going tot he Fens tomorrow night, and lovely Lowell, aka Cracktown USA Friday and Saturday, oy I just realized I have to get a gift for my friends wedding next weekend, wow, I really can't afford those groceries.Oh damn it, I am low on my pills two, how the hell does unemployment expect 92 a week to cut it.

Middle East peace, I'm reminded of 93 and a certain White House ceremony, it caused nothing but grief for all the involved parties, I hope ten years later there is a difference.

posted by Adam Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

wow are my dogs barking, and by dogs I do mean feet. Those dress shoes have been fairly cruel to my cute wittle feetsies but I can't buy new ones anytime soon. On a related topic I did some great clothes shipping in Maine on Saturday, HUGE KUDOS to Men's Warehouse, great selection, insanely good service and alterations to pants and the like in TWENTY minutes, not a full week, wild and great, plus, free pressing on shirts pants and sport coats at any Mens Warehouse in the country, FOR LIFE, can you beat that, I think not, oh, and the price ain't half bad either.

So I have a long day because I had an informational lunch/interview with a really nice and really well connected guy who could be a huge help in the job hunt, Aside from that my interview for a grant-writing position went fairly well I think, I mean I am not sure, it was rather short and very few questions were actually asked of me however we got along very well and had a lot to talk about, beyond that she did tell me what the next steps in the process were without my asking, so I figure that's a good sign.

Went to a toastmasters meeting tonight to check it out, I was thoroughly unimpressed, I have actually offered to teach public speaking/interviewing lessons to people I've posted an ad on craigslist and talked to several people we will see what happens, I figure $25 per session is fair.

Nothing to report really in the area of the opposite gender, Sara and I are good friends, which is a bit of shame but it's ok given the geographic situation and it's never bad to have a good friend, I am sure we will hang out some when I got SF and when she gets back to Brandeis Em is cool, I really enjoy hanging out with her but I am not sure there are any sparks there, on either part, and to be fair, I am very much interested in one woman, she's moved on to another phase in her life after Brown, but we will see what happens, not putting any pressure on it. Hopefully I will have a relationship soon.

Ok singing off for now.

posted by Adam Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Monday, June 02, 2003

so, did you miss me, as some of you may know Maine's technologically in the relative dark ages as such I couldn't really update from there. But I am back in Boston now staring at the red brick of the building next to me. It was, to say the least, an interesting weekend.

Train ride up was good, they have these guys walking around the train telling people who are coming to Portland for the first time about the virtues of my hometown, it's a nice way to make them excited about arriving in Portland, I wonder how long after they get there how long it will take before they are sick of it too.

Thursday and Friday were spent just doing a whole lot of nothing, aside from free laundry and playing scores of my little brothers PlayStation, big fan of NHL hockey 2003 though not to much of the all star baseball game, that ball is hard to hit for anything but a grounder to second.

My siblings and I are getting along very well, which is pretty cool, maybe with age things do change a bit, There was definitely a time when I figured that David and I would never speak once we were both out of the house, it's nice to know I was wrong, and Amy is coming to the realization that dating a 33 year old when you are 24 isn't a fabulous idea, which I am happy about given that I told her that for a while. Dad has apparently not been feeling very well for a while now, and with his tendency to ignore medical issues it really concerns me that he is willing to have a series of tests done to figure out why it hurts to breath, they don't seem to think it is his hart, so hopefully it will be ok. Mom is a much of a pain as ever, I know Jewish mothers are taught the art of the guilt trip from the moment of conception but I mean, this is just getting ridiculous and it's a large part of the reason I hate going home, and what's worse, I really don't think she realizes she is doing it, when you try to explain that's what she is doing of course the defenses go up. you just can't win.

Saturday brought my buddy's bachelor party, now it was great to hang out with his brothers who I haven't seen many years, and to meet his two gorgeous puppy dogs, a 3 month old golden and a 4 month old back lab, Chloe and Oscar respectively, but the highlight was the after Bar-B-que events "warning, the he following contains stuff about a blind man at a strip club" I have to say, while girls in Portland have always left a lot to be desired, the girls at Portland's one and only strip club are truly spectacular. Now I have never been to a strip club before, but walking in with a cane was the best thing I ever did, I had three girls usher me to a table, since they thought I was totally blind and I certainly played that up. One commented that she had to make sure I could appreciate the experience even though I couldn't see it, it was, to say the least, rather enjoyable, oh and my bud enjoyed his bachelor party as well :)

Yesterday I watched the Sox blow yet another game, good job boys, way to start the June swoon off on the right track,.

That was pretty much the weekend, the fundraiser wasn't really worth commenting on, this week brings a few interviews and possibly a trip to Lowell for the Dem. State convention, I am trying to see if I can get out of it, because it actually costs money to go to be a delegate, which though I could stand to go for the networking, I can't afford right now it's not like ten bucks, it is more like 45, absurd.

posted by Adam Monday, June 02, 2003